THE GOLDEN YEARS

STOLEN CAR
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer called in. "Disregard." He said. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her silly sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up
and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. Every few seconds she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
ROMANCE
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted
to play. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
An 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who
can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car." "It's hundreds of them!"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car that both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passengers seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?!"