By-Tor
07-07-2004, 06:36 PM
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own
pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
10. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a
teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a - nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days
has stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for
Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't
pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in
the first place!
21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the
difference.
24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't
fallen asleep yet.
26. My husband/wife says I never listen to him/her (at least I think
that's
what he/she said).
27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can
in prison?
29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started
with something called LABOR!
30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever.
own
pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
10. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a
teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a - nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days
has stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for
Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't
pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in
the first place!
21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the
difference.
24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't
fallen asleep yet.
26. My husband/wife says I never listen to him/her (at least I think
that's
what he/she said).
27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can
in prison?
29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started
with something called LABOR!
30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever.