gntbldr
03-12-2004, 02:16 AM
(Author unknown)
>
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
> fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
> them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
> because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
> were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
> and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
> things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
> you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
> yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
> "You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"
>
> Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
> standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
> in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
> different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
> could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
> for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
> Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
> to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
> wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
> dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
> tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
> house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
> the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
> and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
> of the family could admire her when they came over for the
> traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the
> moment she walked in the door. "What is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
> several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
> clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
> into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she
> have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
> was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
> ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
> me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him
> she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
> mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
> then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
> died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly
> Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the
> bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose,
> flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
> The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
> grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back
> over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
> stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was, indeed, a
> Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination
> to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise
> had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
> to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party
> movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the
> house.
>
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
> fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
> them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
> because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
> were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
> and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
> things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
> you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
> yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
> "You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"
>
> Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
> standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
> in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
> different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
> could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
> for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
> Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
> to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
> wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
> dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
> tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
> house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
> the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
> and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
> of the family could admire her when they came over for the
> traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the
> moment she walked in the door. "What is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
> several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
> clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
> into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she
> have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
> was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
> ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
> me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him
> she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
> mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
> then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
> died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly
> Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the
> bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose,
> flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
> The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
> grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back
> over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
> stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was, indeed, a
> Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination
> to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise
> had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
> to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party
> movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the
> house.